I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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