I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
