john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
