I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
