So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
