Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
