Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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