His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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