i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
