and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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