If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
