Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm too high and old for this...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
