Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Randomize
