our cab driver is having phone sex.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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