He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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