I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
we're making bets on your personal life
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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