Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
