and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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