i think i have two assholes
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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