Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
