In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
