i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
