a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
