Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
