I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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