Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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