One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
