Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
