when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I looked at my own cervix.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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