I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
