I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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