I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
