I'm so fucking centered right now
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
