My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
