I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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