just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
