I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
