Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
