i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
