i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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