Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
