when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
