Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
