I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
