Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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