she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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