My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
