My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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