god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
