i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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