After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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